Confused

I'm confused

Between telling the truth 

Or hiding it

I'm scared

To tell the truth

But I'm tired of getting hurt

I said I'm lonely and sometimes I got bored of waiting

And you seems like angry or mad

Like I always ask you to accompany me

I only asked you once

And you act like I always do that

Then I said it's okay

Then you mad and said I always fake the smile

There.. You know I fake this smile 

So why don't you try something to make the real one?

I never complained about how least you take care of me

I never complained of how busy you are of yourself than to make time for me

You promised me the world

But give me nothing

You tell me you loved me

But never prove me

Oh I see

Because you don't care about me at all, right ?

 But it's enough 

Cause now I'm confused

Don't know what to do

Cause I love you too much

But you hurt me so much 

Oct 22nd , 20.02 PM

Idk what to say .-. Confused from where I should start it all

I just feel confused and sad

I mean.. 

People say if someone really care about you they'll always make time for you

But some people say that there's no perfect love, but there's always someone who's perfect for you

"Just because someone can't love you that way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have"

I always think like that. Cause I know I can't love him perfectly the way he wants me to.

But I just don't get it

He always cancel our date hahaha

And he likes to break his promises. I know it's just a promise, a little one

No big deal

But it's matter for me

At first it's all okay.

But.. Day by day, it's getting worse. 

Sometimes I think that's he's just busy

I'm not supposed to be selfish. Ask for more. Or even mad, cause it'll hurt him

But I'm dying. Cause it's fucking hurt 

Almost every night I feel the pain

But back at my point, I'm not supposed to ask for more, maybe he's just busy... Super busy :')

Hah. In not supposed to say this

Or even think

Or write this down

But may I say something?

Is it my fault for always waiting for you? Stay up all night and don't mind to got sick even tired in the morning waiting for you?

Is it my fault waiting for you? Cause only at night you have just a 'little' time for me

Am I wrong to be clingy, naughty or selfish just to get your attention? Your little, just a little care from you?

Cause Idk if you ever really care. 

I mean.. Is that really 'love' that you have for me?

Or just an illusion ?

Cause what I know -- and what people always told me -- that if he really cares. He won't ignore you

He never say 'hi' even in real life, it's okay

He never really ask me to go out with him without canceling it :') is it so hard? HAHA 

Funny how the one I never expected to be there was the one who always give me attention. Who care about me and accompany me, when you should be the one who do that

Funny you never talked about our relationship. Maybe you feel ashamed? Idk

Funny how I have to pretend like there's nothing between us

Well it's not your fault exactly, in the one who never being honest and tell you everything I hide inside

I just don't wanna hurt you

But for once. Really just for once, may I act a little selfish and cry? 

Ask for your attention.

Cause I'm losing control now

How if you're the one who my friends always talked about? They laugh at you and all I say was just " be patient dear"

How if i ignore you the way you ignore me?

How if we switched position? 

What would you do?

Tell me

"Cause I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me?"

Hah.. 

Well i guess It's okay now

I'm used to it

I really do.. I used to be ignored and dumped

Even now with the one I really care about

The one I thought would never do that

But I feel that way

Sorry. In clingy, selfish, childish, annoys you ad disturbing. 

It's not your fault

Maybe it's mine for expecting too much

Sorrysorrysorry but I'm tired 

It's enough ;") 

04.20 AM

It's 04.20 am. 

And here I am, can't sleep of this pain. Got sick in the middle of this full-of-exam-week. Sucks

Well, I'm listening to Clarity by Zedd

"If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy ? If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?"

Yeah. Makes me wonder about everything we've been trough. 

How we started talking. How we met. How you asked for my number, we started to know each other. We started it all as friendship, into something bigger and deeper. 

We fell, we fight, we argue, we cry and we laugh. We kissed and cuddle in the middle of the cinema.

Funny how fast it happened

It's been months since how that "story" happened. I chose you. And you never make me regret it. Not even once. 

"Everybody needs somebody to love and I Choose you" 

Yap! I chose you and I wish you never regret your choice when you said you want me.

Sometimes I feel like you don't really care but then I realize that you care about me more than anyone. You are my clingy-naughty-weird-cute-funny little boy I met, accidentally. Fate.. maybe. I was craving for someone's attention and you were having a relationship with you ex

When suddenly everything has changed. 

The minute when we both thinking the same thought ; "Hopeless"

"We found love in a hopeless place"

Maybe that's right, we don't know how one thing, one person and one moment. One place could bring us to another chance, another change, another story and another hope. How fate bring me to you.

How God works in a funny way.

You're weird. But I love you 

I love how we talked about nothing, every little thing, how silly we could be. How awkward and how we take care of each other. 

I hope we would lasts. Not for a year, 10 years or else

But forever. 

We would wipe each other's tears , take care of each other. Picking up every broken glasses and mess we make. 

I don't mind spending my whole life with you. 

And I know we could lasts. 

Oh one thing.. Pstt.. You are my first love and I know you're my last <3

I hope I could be your first love , well I know it doesn't matter. But I just wanna be your first. Idk why. Lol ;p

04.41 am. 

Just wanna say one more thing before I sleep; 

"Iloveyounospacenoenternoother"

adnawuaisoccire😘💙💋😝👊

i'm tired too

I never blame you.
for not really care
nor if you never really care at all.
sometimes you get mad and tired of my act and my attitude
I know, I am sorry. I really do

I don't want you to get worry, to get sick of me
to hate me, or tired of me.
but sometimes I just need your attention
I understand if you're busy.
I know you have problems with your parents, friends or you school's subjects
I understand you're tired too
I know.

but at least give me 10 minutes of your day, just to ask me like..
"how's your day?" or just say a little sweet words to cheer me up
I never ask you to give me flowers, presents or too much of your time
or, have I?
sometimes you're just too busy with all of your stuff and yourself
am I disturbing?
just 5 minutes to tell me something so I don't have to go miserable, waiting like a fool
is it so hard for you?

your friends judge me, hate me and talk about me.
I don't even know them
you saw it in your social media, you heard it straight ahead in front of your eyes
and you're still.. standing there and just tell me to be patient
I wont ask you to help me or protect me
but every girl in this world want to be protected
want to feel safe, feel loved, feel .. ah idk either
you don't know how it hurts to be a girl
think that everything in me just never good enough
that your friends hate me so much
and make me think of us is never enough.
I always tell myself to be not so clingy, not to cry, to be understandable, not to be selfish

I whispered to myself
"maybe he just don't know what to do"
"just because he doesn't act like those men in the movie, or love me the way I want him to. doesn't mean he doesn't love me"
but somehow
it hurts..
you even willing to fight with your best friend for your ex, after she hurts you
how about me? don't you ever willing to fight for me in front of them?
i'm breaking. i'm going down. i'm dying.
but you don't know

how if..
how if you just never care?
how if you laugh at everything they say about me?
why don't you at least say something?
even when you're busy, at least be here, 5minutes for me when i'm crying
when I need you the most.
do I have to ask you to do that? don't you have any brain or heart to think? to feel?
I know you're busy but if you really care about someone, you'll always make time for them.. right?
and if you never give me anything just to make me believe.. how can I believe?

I understand if you're too busy to call
too busy to go out with me
too busy to talk to me
too busy to give me a certainty about our relationship
feel a shame of me
too busy to care.
but one day when it's my turn to stop loving you
would you understand? :")
because dear.. i'm tired too
I don't even know what i'm writing about, what i'm doing and what i'm crying for
i don't even know what to write, to say or to feel anymore
i'm just tired
hoping that you' understand that i'm a girl too, i have problems too, i have feelings, i get tired, want to feel safe, be protected, feel special and maybe just... ah, i really don't know
it just hurts

Stay Stay Stay - Taylor Swift

 

 

I'm pretty sure we almost broke up last night
I threw my phone across the room at you
I was expecting some dramatic turn away but you stayed
This morning I said we should talk about it
Cause I read you should never leave a fight unresolved
That's when you came in wearing a football helmet
And said okay let's talk
And I said...

Stay stay stay I've been loving you for quite some time time time
You think that it's funny when i'm mad mad mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay

Before you I only dated self indulgent takers who took all of their problems out on me
But you carry my groceries and now i'm always laughing
And I love you because you have given me no choice but to

Stay stay stay I've been loving you for quite some time time time
You think that it's funny when i'm mad mad mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay stay stay stay

You took the time to memorize me my fears my hopes and dreams
I just like hanging out with you all the time
All those times that you didn't leave it's been occuring to me I would like to hang out with you for my whole life

Stay and I'll be loving you for quite some time
No one else is gonna love me when I get mad mad mad
So I think that it's best if we both stay stay stay stay

Stay stay stay i've been loving you for quite some time time time
You think that it's funny when i'm mad mad mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay stay stay stay

Stay stay stay I've been loving you for quite some time time time
You think that it's funny when i'm mad mad mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay

The One

I don't believe in a perfect relationship

I don't want that

I want the real one

With fights and tears

silly conv and kisses

surprises and hugs

Feeling of jealousy and embarrassed moments

Cause that's all what matters

Without fight we won't cherish togetherness

Without distance we won't appreciate time 

Without tears we won't understand laugh and happy moments

Without jealousy, we won't know how much we care about each other 

This isn't a beautiful words I wrote for people to read

But i want people to understand

To realize one thing that.. 

There won't be a perfect boys who's cute, really sensitive, understandable, wise but spoilt at the same time. 

But when you find that boy who would wait for you, fight for you, cry for you and honestly loving you for who you are and with everything they have.

Trust me, He is the one.

There won't be that perfect girl. With perfect body, perfect smile, smart, charming and cute and mature. 

But when you find a girl who will sacrifice everything just for you and willing to cry and suffer with you.

I promise you, She's the one.

Wake up and realize. Just because people can't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

-there is no such thing as a perfect girl/boy. but there will be one boy/girl who's perfect for you-

I don't have anything but my fragile heart. 

And sorry if i can only love you with all of my heart. But that's all what I have. 

You and I and us

They said I shouldn't trust you

They said you're lying

They said it's all just a fairy tale

And it won't lasts 

They told me not to be so in love

They told me not to believe

When all I heard was the truth

And I know what we felt was true

They said we're not meant to be

They said we won't match for each

They said I'm stubborn and

They said you were fooled 

No one is going to understand

Your friends will laugh

My friends will judge

But in the end it is all about us

How much is your trust

How much do you care

How deep is your love 

And how faith will bring us back

In the end,

We are going to determine the ending

Do our love, trust and care enough for each

Or do we let our ego destroy us?

And I will tell you know one thing

From now on, don't hear what they say

Don't care what they think 

No matter how much they will judge

And no matter what's happen around us

Please just stay

Cause I won't leave and give it all up

Cause even there's a thousands better people out there

I will close my eyes just to stay

even though you are the most weird-stubborn-reckless-silly person I've ever met

I will still choose you over other thousands perfect "prince charming" out there

And if in another life we meet again

I hope we are going to be together as one once again.

-iloveyounospacenoenternoother- 

reflection.

i wish it was just an illusion.
cause now i'm in a real desperation.
watching you smile for no reason.
you've found another replacement.

is it only my imagination?
or it's the truth i've never known?
that you've already gone.
from the story of our imagination.

i used to be your inspiration.
having our own heart's sensation.
talking about our next generation.
in our secret location.

i'm still looking for my reflection.
where there's a smile that's still remain.
when all i see is pain.
and eyes that's going to keep issuing this rain.

the best mistake

"come back"
i used to say that words since the day you've gone from my life.
"i miss you"
i used to say those words when all the flashbacks comes
but now, i don't even know what to say.
cause even i've wasted all of my tears on you, you will never come back.
i know because i cried.
and even if i beg you a thousand times you'll never come back.
i know because i tried.

do all those moments we've shared together is just a bullshit and all those sweet words you said is just a lie? cause baby, i trusted it all.
and even if this was the very last moment we'd see each other again.. i still have that feelings that's keeps me wishing on my 11:11 , my birthday candle wishlist or the wishing star.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but as day by day pass by..
i always questioning myself .. 'why did you go? why did you leave me behind? where's all those promises we've made together? is it all my fault for letting you pass by? or i'm just too fool to believe you with those kind of bullshit?'

ahh.. it's just too complicated to say.
maybe.. just maybe if we could have another time, another place and another chance to start this all over again. it'd be so different..
but, do you want to know a secret?
even if on the first place we started all of this 'mistake' , and i know that it'd hurt me so much. i'd still do this anyway.
cause you are the best mistake i could ever have.
and you are the kind of mistake that i will never regret even just for a second.



---- and baby, if loving you was wrong, i don't wanna be right ----

growing up

there's a story.
we all know this story 'cause i bet you all have this kind of feeling.
the feeling of sorrow, pain, and mad at the same time.
hurt by our own feelings, for being too care, think that all the things we've done isn't good enough, feeling lonely, but most of all we all hurt by losing.
wishing we all could go back to our first place
and we're keep saying "i wish.." or "if.."

let's just go back to that day. a few years ago.
that years.. so much to remember.
when we used to sit side by side, laugh without any compulsion.
be who we wanna be and never force ourselves with those kind of shit.

we all used to run and fall.
we bleed and we cry.
we dream and we laugh.
we smile and we love.

but we're just too fool to realize that growing up isn't as sweet as it seems.
we're all once dreamed about growing up and never stopped wishing about it.
with no intention to wait we all rushed out of time and now, see what we've got?
we all get our own disappointment.
so naive? do you regret it? ask yourself.
because i do..